The Dog's Diary: Adventure!
by Natmonkey
Summary: In this ninth part of Stubbs' adventures, he goes off on a risky undertaking with Morrigan, Zevran and Oghren. The three humanoids don't agree with each other and Stubbs tries to maintain peace between them all. Will he succeed?


**Adventure!**

I miss the lady a little, but Pointy Ears said we were going to get something for her. So of course I am going to help. Without me, this whole thing will not go well. They need me. Angry female most of all. Pointy Ears and Firefur keep looking at her teats and she doesn't like it. I wonder why? She doesn't have them covered like the lady and the other females do. Of course the males are going to look. How can they not? They are right _there_.

"Cease your staring, right now," she angrily tells Firefur.

"Wear something half-way decent, and I will." Firefur laughs, taking a drink. He always has something to drink with him. "Even the knife-eared pipe-cleaner can't keep his eyes off your tits."

I nudge Firefur. "You're getting it wrong. They're called _teats_, not tits."

"Ah, you like old Oghren, don't you Pooch?" He pets my head. "Yeah, Oghren's your friend!" With a loud burp, he laughs and swings around his drink. Firefur begins yelling about stuff, but he's not important right now. I will not pull his cart.

"Get your filthy hands off me!" screams the angry female. Pointy Ears has his arms around her; she's trying to struggle out of them. "You have no right to touch me!"

Bad Pointy Ears! I bite his butt; not hard enough to draw blood, but hard enough to hurt. He yelps and jumps away from angry female. "Ow! _What is the meaning of this_?" His eyes, yellow like tree sap, look angry.

"Leave angry female alone!" I howl. "I mean it! She's done nothing to you!"

"Yet," she adds. Creepy. "If I were you, I would listen to the dog. Lay those grubby little fingers on me one more time, and I shall punish you in worse ways than you can imagine."

Pointy Ears still doesn't look scared. "Oh, I can imagine a few ways…"

"Blood and damnation." Angry female sighs, frustrated. "I give up."

I keep myself between her and Pointy Ears. "Don't even think about touching her. I mean it."

"Thank you, Stubbs." Angry female's little hand scratches me between my ears. "On their behalf. Had it not been for you, I would have killed them both."

See? Good thing I came too.

~*|'-'|*~

Hmmm, I know this place. With the stinky humans, yes. They're all gone now. Smells fresh. "What are we doing here again?" Mmm, flower smell.

"Your mistress commanded us to retrieve the Qunari's sword," angry female answers. "The giant's sword, I mean."

"Indeed!" Pointy Ears laughs, rubbing his hands together. "Action! Adventure!" The hairy lines above his eyes wiggle. "Maybe even some romance, no?"

Firefur makes a funny noise. Like he's choking. "Ugh, somebody pass me a bucket!"

"From the way you pour alcoholic beverages down your throat, one would suspect you are one," angry female says. "I am most surprised you are still among the living."

Humans. Always fighting. I wonder why the lady sent _them_? "Whoa! You are a big animal!" a little voice near my foot squeaks. "Well, bigger than me, anyway."

"Huh, who's there?" I look down and see the tiniest, cutest little animal I have ever seen. Cuter even than the naked bunnies. Soooo fuzzy! Kind of like a mouse, but not really. "What are you?"

"I'm a hamster!" it squeaks. "I used to live with this human boy, but he left my cage open and now I'm on my own. Sweet freedom!" The hamster rubs its tiny paws across its whiskers, cleaning its little face. "So anyway, what's your name, big guy?"

I press my nose against its furry grey back. Smells like plants and earth. "I'm Stubbs. And you?"

"Tony." The hamster, no, Tony, climbs on my foot. "You're warm. What brings you to this place?" He (I think it's a boy) curls up into a cute and fuzzy little ball.

"My friends and I are doing something for my lady. She sent me with them, because without me, they would fail."

Tony looks up at the others; his beady black eyes look smart. "Yeah, gee, I can imagine. Are they always fighting like this?"

"Pretty much." Angry female is yelling at Pointy Ears and Firefur seems to find it all very, very funny.

"Well, good luck with this bunch." Tony scratches behind his ear, very much like a dog would. "I'm a little hungry, so I'm going to find something to eat. Would you like to come too?"

"I can't, sorry." I hang my head. It would be fun, talking more with this fuzzy creature. "I have to watch them. Why don't you come with us?"

The hamster laughs, his voice squeaky. "No, I better stay where I know the place. Food doesn't find itself, you know. Goodbye, Stubbs!"

"Goodbye Tony!" Too bad he wouldn't come with us. The lady would love him. He could live in her pocket. When are they done fighting? I want to go back to the lady. I've gone unpetted for far too long.

~*|'-'|*~

Angry female smiles at the little person. She only does that when she wants something. The short man looks just like Firefur, only with dark fur. And less nice. I think they called him Dweeb. Something like that. "Perhaps you and I could work out a deal, hmm?" the angry female says, almost pushing her teats in Dweeb's face. Pointy Ears looks jealous.

"We also have money, if our lovely companion's offer does not tickle your fancy." Pointy Ears has such a funny voice. "Ten sovereigns for that giant sword, what do you say?"

One of the taller humans with Dweeb gasps: "Ooh, ten sovereigns?"

The other one says: "Hmmm, boobies..." Angry female should really cover up her teats if she doesn't like them being looked at. They get looked at a lot.

"I'll let you play fetch with me!" I add, sitting on my butt, paws in the air. Humans like this, but not this little one. I failed.

Dweeb pushes the angry female away. "First you barge into my house, and now you want something from me? Shove off!" He shakes his fist at us. "The Qunari sword is part of my collection, and you can all just stuff it." Stuff what? Where? I don't get it.

"How dare you push me!" Angry female shoves right back. "Knee-high piece of scum!"

The little person yells: "Boob-flashing strumpet!" Oh, if he pushes her again, I will bite his butt. Really, really hard.

Firefur has said nothing so far. But not anymore. "Now listen, you bleeding nug-humper!" he screams, waving around that huge weapon of his. "Either you _give_ us the sword, or I chop you in half!" I don't think I've ever seen him this angry. Firefur is angry. Angry female thinks it's funny, I can tell. She would laugh if she weren't so angry all the time.

"Careful now..." Dweeb raises his hands. His face is pale. Even his two friends look pale. "No need for that."

"Yes, I-I just cleaned the floor!" one of the tall humans says. The other is quiet; he just hides behind his friend. Funny.

"Then hand over the Qunari sword, _now_!" Firefur slams his weapon on the floor. One of the boards splinters apart.

Dweeb says several words I'm sure are rude. "It's in the backroom, here is the key." He hands Firefur a shiny key; the little man with hair like flames comes back with a sword almost as tall as he is. Wow. That's a big sword.

"Thanks for cooperating," says Firefur. "We're done here, let's go."

Yay! We did it! Now back to the lady. I better make sure these three don't kill each other. A dog's job is never done.

* * *

_Firefur is Oghren, angry female is Morrigan, Pointy Ears is Zevran and Tony is the fuzzy alter ego of the brilliant, beautiful, inimitable Draguna. The lady Stubbs keep talking about is a human female mage. Dweeb should obviously be Dwyn, but one can never be too sure._


End file.
